Last night after chatting with charlene through msn,I told her that I was heading to bed but I couldnt sleep so I lied on the bed for nearly 2 hours reminiscing my past and trying to think what went wrong in my life.but im still thinking now.i couldnt think of the reason everything went in the opposite direction,if this is an endurance test,I give up.i lose.i cant stand any much longer.im going mad.

 

I really feel like im a disgrace to my family.ive wasted a lot of money and yet I dint even proved myself worthy of it.when I was 6,I had an operation for both of my eyes.biletral squint.it cost over 10k dollars and during my 9 years of wearing specs,I think ive used over 100 pairs of them as I used to ruin it when I was in a bad mood.my specs werent cheap either.most of them were around 2++ as it has to be custom made to fit me and the lenses werent the usual because im not short-sighted either.when I was 15,the doctor said I dont have to wear spectacles already as my eyesight was normal and better than a lot of ppl.i thought this was the end of the money spending spell.but after I took off my glasses everything went another way.i started going out with my friends almost every weekend spending lots of money everytime we went out.sigh.i even lost 2 handphones within half a year.great right??together both phones totaled 4k.im a great spender right.

 

last year I broke my right collar bone during a football match and the operation was nearly 6k.even though it was paid by the insurance company,my parents still had to pay 10% of it.during may when I went to kl for my diploma studies,my dad bought a laptop for me which was 4k.i wanted to study in sg as I will be staying with my aunt and that will reduce the cost for everything,even the tuition fees but I played and dint really study hard to my SPM so I couldnt get what I wanted for my studies.every month I spend over 1k alone.allowance,stay and phone bills.

 

i went all the way down to sg by bus and I spend nearly 700 ringgit for 6 days.sigh.great right.next year I have to do the operation on my shoulder again to remove the steel support and I dont know if the insurance companys paying it.but I dont want to do the operation because I dont to waste my parents money and I dont want to experience the same thing all over again.lying on the bed for 3 weeks doing nothing.but the doctor says I have to.sigh.

 

Theres nothing good about me.i still cant find any part of me thats good.i cant always play well in football.it depends on my mood.sigh.if im sad I play like crap.for studies,I studied so damn freaking hard for my exams this sem but I doubt that my results will be good.sigh.ive really lost my hope and determination.i thought I could do really well but when the lecturer told us about the bad news,I was shocked.i thought this time I would not disappoint my parents but maybe im wrong again.someone please save me from all this mess.can I swap life??sunder with someone.

 

why do I have to experience all this?why cant I just be a normal kid??and ordinary person??just like my other friends??live an ordinary life,have a nice good and kind girlfriend or boyfriend by their side comforting them when they are sad?sigh.who can I turn to when im really sad??like now?in the bus?maybe its because I contributed 0 in love and that I suck in it?i mean in terms of expressing it?or maybe its that im too naïve??everytime I thought its gonna end up well but im always wrong.it always backfires.sigh.should I give up??i think so.

 

or maybe its that im not complacent with my hectic life??am I thinking too much??or is it a reality??i need answers to all this crap.what have I done in the past to deserve all this?or is it that I dont practice enough random kindness?why do I bother writing so much,no one reads it anyway.life often sucks.